A Dirty Job Chapter 25

25THE RHYTHM OF LOST AND FOUNDThe emperor moth was liveed in most bushes near an brusk culvert that drained into Lobos Creek in the Presidio, the land picture on the San Francisco side of the Golden Gate w here forts had stood from the time of the Spanish, still had belatedly been false into a park. The Emperor had wandered the city for days, c eithering into storm drains, pursual(a) the sound of his lost soldiers barking. The faithful retri eer Lazarus had led him here, one of the few drains in the city where the Boston terrier might be able to exit with prohibited organism washed into the Bay. They camped under a camouflage poncho and waited. Mercifully, it hadnt rained since Bummer had chased the squirrel into the storm sewer, that dark clouds had been bubbling over the City for two days direct, and whether or not they were bringing rain, they made the Emperor fear for his city.Ah, Lazarus, utter the Emperor, scraping his charge behind the ears, if we had up to now h alf the courage of our gnomish comrade, we would go into that drain and find him. But what ar we without him, our courage, our valor? Steady and innoxious we may be, my fri conclusion, more(prenominal)over without courage to risk ourselves for our br new(prenominal), we are further politicians inconsiderate whores to rhetoric.Lazarus growled low and hunkered back under the poncho. The sun had secure set, plainly the Emperor could settle movement back in the culvert. As he clim keep up it off to his feet, the sextette-foot pipework was filled with a creature that crawled out and virtu onlyy unfolded in the creekbed a stuffe, bullheaded thing, with eyes that glowed honey oil and wings that unfurled political machinee leathery umbrellas.As they watched the creature took three steps and leapt into the twilight sky, his wings beating the a kindred(p) the sails of a death ship. The Emperor shuddered, and considered for a moment moving their camp into the City proper , perhaps passing the night on Market Street, with mickle and policemen streaming by, and then he heard the faintest barking attack from doubtful in the culvert.Audrey was showing them around the Buddhist center, which, except for the means in the summit, and a living dwell that had been turned into a meditation room, sorted very a lot equal any other sprawling Victorian home. plain and Oriental in its decor, yes, and perhaps the smell of incense permeating it, notwithstanding still, unsloped a hulking old house.Its just a big old house, sincerely, she rank, leading them into the kitchen.Minty bracing was making Audrey obtain a picayune uncomfortable. He kept picking at bits of duct-tape adhesive that had stuck to the sleeve of his green jacket, and giving Audrey a note like he was placeing, This better fix out when its dry-cleaned or its your ass. His size alone was intimidating, plainly now a series of large knots were rising on his forehead where hed sm acked the entreway, and he aspected vaguely like a Klingon warrior, except for the pastel-green suit, of course. Maybe the agent for a Klingon warrior.So, he express, if the squirrel people thought I was a bad guy, wherefore did they save me from the sewer harpy in the train last hebdomad? They attacked her and gave me time to get forward.Audrey shrugged. I dont hold out. They were supposed to just watch you and written report back. They moldiness have seen that what was after you was much worse than you. They are hu valet de chambre, at heart, you subsist.She paused in front of the larder ingress and turned to them. She hadnt seen the debacle in the street, still Esther had been watching through the window and had told her what had happened approximately the cleaning womanlike creatures that had been coming after Charlie. Evidently these strange men were entirelyies of a sort, practicing what she had questn on as her holy work helping senses to move to their su cceeding(prenominal) existence. But the method? Could she trust them?So, from what you guys are saying, there are thousands of public walking around without minds?Millions, probably, Charlie state.Maybe that explains the last election, she said, laborious to buy time.You said you could see if people had one, said Minty Fresh.He was right, but shed seen the soulless(prenominal) and neer thought about their sheer numbers, and what happened when the absolutely didnt match with the innate(p). She shook her head. So the transfer of souls depends on material acquisition? Thats just so I dont slam sleazy.Audrey, believe me, Charlie said, were both as baffled by the mechanics of it as you are, and were instruments of it.She looked at Charlie, actually looked at him. He was announceing the truth. He had hail here to do the right thing. She threw open the pantry door and the red light spilled out on them.The pantry was nearly as big as a modern bedroom, and e truly shelf from dec k to ceiling and most of the floor space was covered with glowing soul vessels.Jeez, Charlie said.I got as many as I could or, the squirrel people did.Minty Fresh ducked into the pantry and stood in front of a shelf full of CDs and records. He grabbed a handful and started shuffling through them, then turned to her, memory up a half-dozen CD cases fanned out. These are from my store.Yes. We got all of them, Audrey said.You stony-broke into my store.She kept them from the bad guys, Minty, Charlie said, stepping in the pantry. She probably salve them, peradventure saved us.No way, man, none of this would be happening if it wasnt for her.No, it was always vent to happen. I saw it in the other Great well-favored Book, in Arizona.I was just trying to help them, Audrey said.Charlie was staring at the CDs in Mintys hand. He seemed to have fallen into virtually sort of trance, and r each(prenominal)ed out and took the CDs as if he were moving through some thick liquid then shuffled away all but one, which he just stared at, then flipped over to look at the back. He sat floor hard in the pantry and Audrey caught his head to keep him from bumping it on the shelf behind him.Charlie, she said. Are you alright?Minty Fresh squatted down next to Charlie and looked at the CD reached for it, but Charlie pulled it away. Minty looked at Audrey. Its his wife, he said.Audrey could see the name Rachel Asher scratched into the back of the CD case and she felt her heart shift for poor Charlie. She put her arms around him. Im so sorry, Charlie. Im so sorry.Tears splattered on the CD case and Charlie wouldnt look up.Minty Fresh stood and open his throat, his subject clear of any rage or accusation. He seemed almost ashamed. Audrey, Ive been driving around the City for days, I could veritable use a place to lie down if you have it.She nodded, her face against Charlies back. Ask Esther, shell show you.Minty Fresh ducked out of the pantry.Audrey held Charlie and rocked hi m for a yen time, and even though he was lost in the world of that CD that held the hit the hay of his life, and she was outside, crouched in a pantry that glowed red with cosmic bric-a-brac, she cried with him.After an minute of arc passed, or maybe it was three, because thats the way time is in grief and love, Charlie turned to her and said, Do I have a soul?What? she said.You said you could see peoples souls glowing in them do I have a soul?Yes, Charlie. Yes, you have a soul.He nodded, turning away from her again, but push button back against her.You want it? he said.Nah, Im good, she said. But she wasnt.She took the CD out of his hand, pried his detention off of it, really, and put it with the others. Lets let Rachel rest and go in the other room.Okay, Charlie said. He let her help him up.Upstairs, in a little room with cushions all over the floor and pictures of the Buddha reclining amid lotuses, they sat and talked by undersidedlelight. Theyd shared their histories, of h ow they had sustain to be where they were, what they were, and with that out of the way, they talked about their losses.Ive seen it again and again, Charlie said. More with men than with women, but definitely with both a wife or husband dies, and its like the survivor is roped to him like a mountain climber whos fallen into a crevasse. If the survivor cant let go cut them loose, I guess the dead will drag them right into the grave. I prize that would have happened to me, if it wasnt for Sophie, and maybe even becoming a Death Merchant. in that respect was something bigger than me way out on, something bigger than my pain. Thats the only rea countersign I made it this far.Faith, Audrey said. Whatever that is. Its funny, when Esther came to me, she was angry. decease and angry she said that shed believed in Jesus all her life, now she was dying and He said she was outlet to live forever.So you told her, Sucks to be you, Esther.Audrey threw a cushion at him. She liked the way that he could find the lightheadedness in such dark territory. No, I told her that He told her that shed live forever, but He didnt say how. Her faith hadnt been betrayed at all, she just quested to open to a broader understanding.Which was append bull arsehole, Charlie said.Another cushion bounced off his forehead. No, it wasnt moo-poo. If anyone should understand the moment of the book not covering everything in detail, it should be you us.You cant say bullshit, can you?Audrey felt herself blush and was glad they were in the dim orange candlelight. Im talking faith, over here, you want to give me a break?Sorry. I know or, I look at I know what you mean. I mean, I know that theres some sort of order to all this, but I dont know how individual can reconcile, say, a Catholic upbringing with a Tibetan Book of the Dead, with a Great Big Book of Death, secondhand dealers interchange objects with human souls, and vicious raven women in the sewers. The more I know, the less I un derstand. Im just doing.Well, the Bardo Thodrol talks about hundreds of monsters you will encounter as your consciousness riles its journey into death and rebirth, but youre instructed to ignore them, as they are illusions, your own fears trying to keep your consciousness from moving on. They cant really misemploy you.I think this may be something they left out of the book, Audrey, because Ive seen them, Ive fought with them, wrenched souls out of their grasp, watched them take bullets and get hit by cars and keep going they are definitely not illusions and they definitely can hurt you. The Great Big Book isnt clear about the specifics, but it definitely talks about the Forces of Darkness trying to take over our world, and how the Luminatus will opening and do affair with them.Luminatus? Audrey said. Something to do with light?The big Death, Charlie said. Death with a jacket crown D. Sort of the Kahuna, the Big Cheese, the Boss Death. Like Minty and the other Death Merchants w ould be Santas helpers, the Luminatus would be Santa.Santa Claus is the big Death? Audrey said, wide-eyed.No, thats just an example Charlie saw she was trying not to laugh. Hey, Ive been bruised and electrocuted and tied up and traumatized tonight.So my seduction strategy is works? Audrey grinned.Charlie was flustered. I didnt I wasnt was I staring at your breasts? Because if I was, it was altogether by accident, because, you know there they were, and Shh. She reached over and put her hitchhike on his lips to shush him. Charlie, I feel very close to you right now, and very connected to you right now, and I want to keep that connection going, but Im exhausted, and I dont think I can talk anymore. I think Id like you to come to bed with me.Really? Are you reliable?Am I sure? I havent had sex in fourteen historic period and if youd asked me yesterday, Id have told you that Id rather face one of your raven monsters than go to bed with a man, but now Im here, with you, and Im as sure as Ive ever been of anything. She smiled, then looked away. I mean, if you are.Charlie took her hand. Yeah, he said. But I was going to tell you something important.Cant it wait till sunrise?Sure.They spent the night in each others arms, and whatever fears or insecurities they had been feeling turned out to be illusions. solitude evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice, and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room, then deceased with the light.During the night someone had picked up the dining-room table and cleaned up the mint candy Minty Fresh had made when he crashed through the kitchen door. He was seated at the table when Charlie came down.They towed my car, said Minty Fresh. Theres coffee.Thanks. Charlie skipped across the dining room to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down with Minty. Hows your head?The big man touched the purple bruise on his forehead. Better. Howre you doing?I accidentally shagged a monk last nig ht.Sometimes, in times of crisis, that shit cannot be avoided. How are you doing besides that?I feel wonderful.Yeah, imagine the rest of us all bummed about the end of the world, not being cheerful.Not the end of the world, just darkness over everything, Charlie cheerfully said. It gets dark turn on a light.Good for you, Charlie. Now scuse me, I got to go get my car out of impound before you start with the whole if life gives you lemons you make lemonade speech and I have to beat you senseless.(Its true, there is little more obnoxious than a Beta Male in love. So learn is he to the idea that he will never find love, that when he does, he feels as if the entire world has fallen into step with his desires and and so deluded, he may act accordingly. Its a time of immense gladness and danger for him.)Wait, we can share a hacker. I have to go home and get my accompaniment book.Me, too. I left mine on the front seat of the car. You know those two clients I missed theyre here. Ali ve.Audrey told me, Charlie said. Theres six of them altogether. She did that phowa of undying thing on them. Obviously thats whats been causing the cosmic shit storm, but what can we do? We cant drink down them.No, I think its what you said. The battle is going to happen here in San Francisco and its going to happen now. And since youre the Luminatus, I guess this whole thing is riding on your shoulders. So Id say were doomed.Maybe not. I mean, every time theyve almost gotten me, something or someone has intervened to pull out a victory. I think destiny is on our side. I feel very optimistic about this.Thats just because you just shagged the monk, said Minty.Im not a monk, said Audrey, bounding into the room with a sheaf of papers in hand.Oh, shit, said the Death Merchants in unison.No, its okay, Audrey said. He did shag me, or, I think more appropriately we shagged but Im not a monk anymore. Not because of the shagging, you know, it was a preshag decision. She threw her papers o n the table and climbed into Charlies lap. Hey, good-looking, hows your morning going? She gave him a backbreaking kiss and entwined him like a starfish trying to open an oyster until Minty Fresh cleared his throat and she turned to him. And good morning to you, Mr. Fresh.Yes. Thank you. Minty leaned to the side so he could see Charlie. Whether they were here for you, or for our clients who didnt die, theyll be back, you know that?The Morrigan? said Audrey.Huh, said the Death Merchants, again in chorus.You guys are so cute, Audrey gushed. Theyre called the Morrigan. foredate women personifications of death in the form of beautiful warrior women who can change into birds. There are three of them, all part of the same suck upive faerie of the Underworld known as the Morrigan.Charlie leaned back from her so he could look her in the eye. How do you know that?I just looked it up on the Internet. Audrey climbed out of Charlies lap, picked up the papers on the table, and began to read. The Morrigan consists of three distinct entities Macha, who haunts the battlefield, and takes heads of warriors as tribute in battle she is said to be able to retrieve a warrior from mortal wounds in the field, if his men have offered enough heads to her. The Celtic warriors called the severed heads Machas acorns. She is considered the mother goddess of the three. Babd is rage, the passion of battle and killing she was said to collect the seed of fallen warriors, and use its power to inspire a internal frenzy for battle, a literal bloodlust. And Nemain, who is frenzy, was said to drive soldiers into battle with a howl so fierce that it could cause enemy soldiers to die of fright her claws were venomous and the mere prick of one would kill a soldier, but she would fling the venom into the eyes of enemy soldiers to blind them.Thats them, said Minty Fresh. I saw venom come from the claws of the one on the BART.Yeah, Charlie said, and I think I remember Babd the bloodlust one. T hats them. I have to talk to Lily. I send her to Berkeley to find out about them, but she came back with nothing. She must have not even looked.Yeah, ask her if shes seeing anybody, Minty Fresh said. To Audrey Did it say how you kill them? What their weaknesses are?Audrey shook her head. Just that warriors took dogs into battle to protect against the Morrigan.Dogs, Charlie echoed. That explains why my little girl got the nether regionhounds to protect her. Im telling you, Fresh, were going to be okay. Destiny is on our side.Yeah, you said that. Call us a cab.I wonder why of all the different gods and demons in the Underworld, the Celtic ones are here.Maybe theyre all here, Minty said. I had a crazy Indian tell me once that I was the son of Anubis, the Egyptian jackal-headed god of the dead.Thats long Charlie said. A jackal thats a shell of dog. You have natural abilities to battle the Morrigan, see.Minty looked at Audrey. If you dont do something to disappoint him and gamy his ass out, Im going to shoot him.Oh yeah, Charlie said. Can I still suck up one of your big guns?Minty unfolded to his feet. Im going outside to call a cab and wait, Charlie. If youre coming, you better start saying good-bye now, because Im leaving when it gets here.Swell, Charlie said, looking adoringly at Audrey. I think were safe in the daylight anyway.monk shagger, Minty growled as he ducked under the doorway. auntie Cassie let Charlie into their small home in the Marina district and Sophie called off the greeting hump of torment dogs almost as soon as it started.DaddyCharlie sweep Sophie up in his arms and squeezed her until she started to change color then, when Jane came out of the kitchen, he grabbed her in his other arm and hugged her as well.Uh, let go, Jane said, pushing him away. You smell like incense.Oh, Jane, I cant believe it, shes so wonderful.He got laid, Cassandra said.You got laid? Jane said, kissing her sidekick on the cheek. Im so happy for you. Now let me g o.Daddy got laid, Sophie said to the hellhounds, who seemed very happy at hearing the news.No, not laid, Charlie said, and there was a collective sigh of disappointment.Well, yes, laid, and there was a collective sigh of relief, but thats not the thing. The thing is shes wonderful. Shes gorgeous, and kind, and sweet, and Charlie, Jane interrupted, you called us and told us that there was some great danger and we had to go get Sophie and protect her, and you were going on a date?No, no, there was is danger, at least in the dark, and I did need you to get Sophie, but I met someone.Daddy got laid Sophie cheered again.Honey, we dont say that, okay, Charlie said. Auntie Jane and Auntie Cassie shouldnt say that either. Its not nice.Like kitty and not in the butt?Exactly, honey.Okay, Daddy. So it wasnt nice?Daddy has to go to our house and get his date book, pumpkin, well talk about this later. Give me a kiss. Sophie gave him a huge hug and a kiss and Charlie thought that he might cry. F or so long she had been his only future, his only joy, and now he had this other joy, and he cherished to share it with her. Ill come right back, okay?Okay. Let me down.Charlie let her slew to the floor and she ran off to another part of the house.So it wasnt nice? Jane asked.Im sorry, Jane. This is really crazy. I hate that I put you guys in the middle of it. I didnt mean to scare you.Jane thumped him in the arm. So it was nice?It was really nice, Charlie said, breaking into a grin. Shes really nice. Shes so nice I miss Mom. woolly-headed me, Cassandra said.Because Id like Mom to see that Im doing okay. That I met someone whos good for me. Whos going to be good for Sophie.Whoa, dont jump the gun, there, tiger, Jane said. You just met this woman, you need to slow down and remember, this comes from someone whose typical second date is moving a woman in.Slut, Cassie murmured.I mean it, Jane. Shes amazing.Cassie looked at Jane. You were right, he really did need to get laid.Thats no t itCharlies cell rang. Excuse me, guys. He flipped it open.Asher, what the hell have you done? It was Lily. She was crying. What the hell have you let loose?What, Lily? What?It was just here. The front window of the shop is gone. Gone It just came in, ripped through the shop, and took all of your soul thingies. Loaded them into a bag and flew away. Fuck, Asher. I mean love This thing was huge, and boping hideous.Yeah, Lily, are you okay? Is jibe okay?Yeah, Im okay. Ray didnt come in. I ran into the back when it came through the window. It wasnt interested in anything but that shelf. Asher, it was as big as a bull and it fucking flewShe sounded like she was on the edge of hysteria. Hold on, Lily. Stay there and Ill come to you. Go in the back room and dont open the door until you hear me, okay.Asher, what the fuck was that thing?I dont know, Lily.The bullheaded Death flew into the culvert and immediately fell to all fours to move through the pipe, dragging the bag of souls behind him. Not for much longer he would not crawl much longer. The time had come, Orcus could feel it. He could feel them converging on the City the City where he had staked his territory so many years ago his city. Still, they would come, and they would try to take what was rightfully his. All of the old gods of death Yama and Anubis and Mors, Thanatos and Charon and Mahakala, Azrael and Emma-O and Ahkoh, Balor, Erebos, and Nyx dozens of them, gods born of the energy of Mans greatest fear, the fear of death all of them coming to rise as the leader of darkness and the dead, as the Luminatus. But he had come here first, and with Morrigan, he would become the one. But first he had to circulate his forces, heal the Morrigan, and take down the wretched human soul stealers of the City.The satchel of souls would go a long way toward healing his brides. He marched into the grotto where the great ship was moored and leapt into the air, the beat of his great leathery wings like a war drum, echoing off the grotto walls and sending bats to the wing, swirling around the ships masts in great clouds.The Morrigan, torn and broken, were waiting for him on the deck.What did I tell you? Babd said. Its really not that great Above, huh? I, for one, could do without cars altogether.Jane drove while Charlie pink-slipped out phone calls on his cell, first to Rivera, then to Minty Fresh. Within a half an hour they were all standing in Charlies store, or the wreckage that had been Charlies store, and provide policemen had taped off the sidewalk until someone could get the glass swept up.The tourists have to love this, Nick Cavuto said, gnawing an unlit cigar. Right on the cable-car line. Perfect.Rivera was sitting in the back room interviewing Lily while Charlie, Jane, and Cassandra tried to sort through the mess and put things back on their shelves. Minty Fresh stood by the front door, wearing shades, looking entirely too cool for the destruction that baffle strewn around him. So phie was content to sit in the corner and feed stead to Alvin and Mohammed.So, Cavuto said to Charlie, some kind of flying monster came through your window and you thought this would be a good place to bring your fool?Charlie turned to the big cop and leaned on the counter. Tell me, Detective, in your sea captain opinion, what procedure should I use in dealing with robbery by a flying monster? What the fuck is the SFPD giant-fucking-flying-monster protocol, Detective?Cavuto stood staring at Charlie as if hed had water thrown in his face, not really angry, just very surprised. Finally, he grinned around his cigar, and said, Mr. Asher, I am going to go outside and smoke, call in to the dispatcher, and have her look that particular protocol up. You have stumped me. Would you tell my partner where Ive gone?Ill do that, Charlie said. He went into the office with Lily and Rivera and said, Rivera, can I get some police protection here at my apartment officers with shotguns?Rivera nodd ed, patting Lily on the hand as he looked away. I can give you two, Charlie, but not for longer than twenty-four hours. You sure you dont want to get out of town?Upstairs we have the protective covering bars and steel doors, we have the hellhounds and Minty Freshs weapons, and besides, theyve already been here. I have a feeling they got what they came for, but the cops would make me feel better.Lily looked at Charlie. She was in total mascara meltdown and had smudged her lipstick halfway across her face. Im sorry, I thought I would handle it better than this. It was so scary. It wasnt mysterious and cool, it was horrible. The eyes and the teeth I peed, Asher. Im sorry.Dont be sorry, kid. You did fine. Im glad you had the sense to get out of its way.Asher, if youre the Luminatus, that thing must be your competition.What? What is that? Rivera said.Its her weird Gothy stuff, Inspector. Dont worry about it, Charlie said. He looked through to the door and saw Minty Fresh standing at th e front of the shop, looking at him, shrugging, as if saying, Well? So Charlie asked Hey, Lily, are you seeing anyone?Lily wiped her nose on the sleeve of her chef s coat. Look, Asher I, uh Im going to have to withdraw that offer I made you. I mean, after Ray, Im not sure I really ever want to do that again. Ever.I wasnt asking for me, Lily. Charlie nodded toward the towering Fresh.Oh, Lily said, following his gaze, now wiping her eyes with her sleeves. Oh. Fuck. Cover for me, Ive got to regroup. She dashed into the employee washroom and slammed the door.Rivera looked at Charlie. What the hell is going on here?Charlie was going to try to come up with some kind of answer when his cell phone rang and he held up his finger to pause time. Charlie Asher, he said.Charlie, its Audrey, came the whispered voice. Theyre here, right now. The Morrigan are here.